11:19 AM

7,180,374,592 people are in this here world... hope is not lost :)

Its been a long while and I've had oh so many experiences to write about. Some good, some not so good and some just down right bad. After all this time I'm still finding myself struggling with many of the same issues. As broad as that sounds it applies to many areas of my life and even just my outlets for expression. I want to write candidly about whats going on but there is that shadow of self looming over me reminding me why its not a good idea to necessarily document each and every thing that is happening to me publicly. I have this little internal struggle where I want to just let it all out for the random person to read, be entertained by, intrigued or just learn something from my experiences but I still feel like the shit will eventually hit the fan from me being so open and out there. Who knows who has or will come across this blog. Eh.. and I keep thinking that maybe I need to just create a pen name and detail it out somewhere else.. but then it sort of defeats my purpose. There is some satisfaction is revealing what is internal and brewing in my head and letting people know that its me that's living this life.

I can't even count the amount of times that someone has suggested to me that I write a book. Part of me wants to do it but I feel like its sooooooo much and ultimately who will ever read it and do I really want folks to read it. The story of my life.... and to think I don't even have kids, never have been engaged, never married and have only lived in California. I know that I have the potential to add so many more experiences to that book. I just have to make sure that I keep it moving so to speak. I'm still feeling the relocation bug. I've been whining about it for the past couple of years at least. Its the exact same thing that I did when I lived in Sacramento and wanted oh so badly to break away from it. The mundane, the boring dingy brown neighborhoods that remind me of where I grew up. I'm sure for many Sac isn't Wack but there is pretty much little to nothing left there that calls me back. Starting to feel this way about California but its hard to think about leaving all this sunshine, beaches, valleys, beautiful weather and water behind.

So, can I continue living this life here in the Bay area? I mean all things considered its not a bad life but it can be better. I also think it can be better right here in the bay. Its a matter of me making changes and moves so to speak to step things up for myself. Adding more discipline and really not being afraid to set some tough goals for myself. Buuuuut... there is so much more out there. Out there being the world. Of course I want to share my experiences with people I love who also have genuine love and care for me but how long does one wait and how much love and care is enough? Holding onto a resemblance of a relationship that at times seems legit but at many other times seems like another lesson I must have needed to learn keeps me constantly evaluating my day to day decisions. You know...  when I do spill my guts and detail out my experiences you always end up with folks who aren't the most objective whom want to direct you to cut it all off. On the outside it sounds good, even seems logical but even as backwards as it may appear to folks companionship for someone whom has lil to no contact with family either because they are wayward, dead or just not a part of my life its hard to abandon the one person currently whom helps me feel that I'm not in this alone. But really aren't we all alone. I guess many people have a wonderful support system which is really a blessing. Having people who sincerely care, that want to be part of your life, whom want to build memories with you. Yeah.. that's a blessing whether its a partner in crime or a partner or a blood relative. Friendship.. that sincere is a blessing.

I just don't want to get caught under a web of excuses and repress my adventurous nature because my self esteem is suffering or because I sincerely love being held at night.  Most likely a combination of the two. You know so many of us search for the perfect situation, person, relationship. I mean who doesn't want the best and its truly a dreadful feeling to think that you are settling or missing out on that someone or something else who is better or at least betting fitting for you.  I am old enough to know that its a compromise. I know I like what I like and there will ALWAYS be a certain type that turns my head, catches my eye, makes me take a deep breath at the site or sound of them. But that complete package that folks like to look for is a really tall order. But.. Guess what yall I'm not getting any younger.

As much as my mind can embrace the metaphysical aspects of life and use that sort of ideology to as explain why things might be the way there are I can't deny the fact that I have a technical mind and I'm interested in logic. I really wish I could come across a study.. the person who takes NO BS, who bails at any sign of strife or struggle when dealing with people vrs the person who bends and sways whom invests energy into nursing the situation either back to health or just to a place it can grow. I sometimes wonder that if I was more of the type of woman whom took no shit at all would I be in a happier place? Would I be more satisfied with the company I keep? Would there be less stress in my life? Would there be people who were drawn to the no nonsense approach or would it create a lonely existence?

I think back to how just a couple of years ago... even though I was still the same quiet, more introverted type of person. I would wild the fukk out dealing with that world wind of a "relationship" I was in. After it seemed to finally break free from me, finally be over.. though maybe not completely free from it but over none the less... to release the feeling of having less control over my emotions, reactions to day to day life. I didn't even have it in me to date.. to meet new people or to deal with BS. That carried on for damn near two years, then I met him and it was suppose to be fun. I can't describe it as such. There has been fun had and a lot of other good things but fundamentally core basics are missing.

So I'm wondering how my mind has rationalized that this situation can work out for the better when fundamentally its not structurally sound. I mean I cant deny that there are things that I've gotten to experience during the course of this relationship that I really do enjoy and have wanted to find in a man. Then you have the things that are broken. At times it seems very simple and not too difficult to address, to change. Then again... at this point in my life what equals a healthy, successful, progressing relationship to me? I say to me.. because perception is a big part of all of this. If I believe I'm getting what I want, if I feel that I'm happy and relatively satisfied with my experiences then that's more than half of the battle if not damn near all of it. So why others may hear of me detail the bad I'm not spending too much time detailing out the good. Its hard to sweep the bad under the rug.

So do I say life is too short, so what if out of this so called list I have that's not written down in any place he measures up to pretty well. I think what keeps calling me back to that little pocket of despair that I feel I'd say at least weekly, what keeps calling me is the basics that I'm not getting and that hes told me out right some pretty blatantly hurtful things. So, no matter if I can mark off several boxes on my wants and desires list it doesn't matter much if his list doesn't have as many checks as mine. All the while not wanting to let me go.. like I've said to him I'm comfortable and I know it. In many senses of the word. I'm literally comfortable to rest ya head on lol. I'm not overly dramatic these days. I'm loving and sweet. But I'm left feeling inadequate, not fulfilling enough as a direct result of his actions and words. Not me fabricating it in my head but I've been told finally. I say finally because there was a time I just questioned and wondered and tried to decipher what the hell was going on. I'm still in some sort of denial. I still don't see how someone would want to be around me so much but not be happy. I must be comfortable.. So its hard to try to progress and truly believe this situation is moving forward, moving up when I feel down. No matter how many nights we chill, talk, cuddle, eat together, tickle each other to the the point of ninja defense attacks and talk about being better people I can't shake or ignore facts. I may be a cancerian emotional ball of feelings but damn this techy brain is saying that this shit is not adding, subtracting or multiplying up correctly.

Maybe we should have just been friends. . . . not that its impossible to be just friends now but it would be tough. I den messed around and caught "the feelings".

One of these days.. one of these days..  I mean damn.. according to this Google search there are currently 7,180,374,592 people in this here world. Damn.. one of them gotta like me for me annnd I like them for them :) right?  Seems reasonable lol ::sigh:: one of these days......Cutie 



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