4:36 PM

Telling Youngbucks about themselves, do it or dont even bother?

So.. I found myself this morning having a discussion with an online male friend of mine about some situations I've found myself in lately and my overall responses about what is going on.  I recently have decided to step back into the dating scene. I've been out of it for a while now. Being in my long term crazy relationship.. talking 5 or so years including that long "grey" area at the end and then just not being interested in what I assumed were the games being played by the men out there. I just was not even putting out the "I'm available" vibe. Not to say there hasn't been a friend or someone I could hang out with from time to time but no one I would even begin to take serious. Anyone I tried to take serious who proved me otherwise were retired.

So yeah.. a little back ground since I've been off the grid as far as my story sharing goes.. Starting last year I decided I was going to make some changes in my life. In light of a lot of the major events that had taken place in 2011 I needed to reboot so to speak. I needed to let go of people that were "friendly" on the outside and focus my attention towards the types of people who were genuine all around both inside and out.  Hey its hard being in your early 30's and deciding that the people you considered to be more than just an acquaintance were not much more than that superficial high school type of buddy that you'd greet in the morning and at lunch time with a fake hug while they were probably talking shit behind your back or deep down not really caring too deeply about who you were as a person. I figured that the people who I had truly cultivated a connection with wouldn't drop off. So far, I'm doing fine with my decisions and I've stepped out of my comfort zone again and embarked on that journey of being a grown ass woman "making friends". Plus I'm a cancer, my inner circle is always small and the people who stay there are reliable, real and just good people, like I consider myself to be.

So.. here I am keeping myself busy, working, traveling, going out being social and meeting new people. I decide hey.. I'm ready. For what you might ask.. like I told a dude I met. Whatever fits. . .  Some of the ladies I've had conversations with about dating and what not have made a statement that this is the year they will find a man or find themselves in a relationship. When I hear that, even though there is that part of me that says, "Hey let love find you" there is another part that can respect a go getter. If you just whine about your single status all the time, much probably won't change. Now, if you actively make some strides that might be able to turn that desire into a reality, then hey maybe you are ready.

Well.. I've discovered recently that I'm not 100% certain I'm ready. Its interesting, I don't mind the notion of just dating, meeting new people, going out on dates and having a good time. But as soon as someone lets me in on something about themselves that is a red flag I'm ready to just jump ship and move on to the next one. Now,  the ones I may have met that have sparked my curiosity as soon as I feel they are playing games I'm like "I can't deal with this shit" and feel like I just need to forget about dating.  Another question I've been asking.. is whats so wrong with wanting to like the person you are sleeping with? I don't care, I know folks hook up to satisfy that carnal desire they have. Hey, who knows what might happen when I turn 32 lol but right now I'm like if I don't like your ass I don't want to be with you even if its just for the night.

The primary reason this blog post even came about is because recently I met someone, a nice young chap :) and he has proven to be very clingy to an almost creepy smothering level way to fast. Now I only hung out with this person one time. I had a decent time, enjoyed their company but I didn't feel any sparks.  They are rather new to the area and since I'm on my go out and have a good time exploring kick. Hey why not meet some more folks I can hang out with, I've been meeting other women but not so many men who can fit that bill. Problem is.. I'm a bit older now and as much as I like to think that I can just hang out with a male of the opposite sex platonically its a stretch. In this particular case not for me, but for the other party I dunno. I do believe that women and men can be friends, but 9 times out of 10 one of them wants the other one. If they don't then there has to be some special circumstances interrupting that attraction to the other one. Maybe they swing the other way, maybe they don't find the other person psychically attractive or just maybe it just never happened. Not in the cards so to speak.

So.. Even though I only hung out one day.. and I didn't flirt and there was no night caps of any kind. I'm like I don't want to lead anyone on. Which sucks because I want folks to hang out with! So, one of my online male chat buddies says I should NOT give homie the heads up on what he is doing wrong. Just to leave him alone since I know I'm not interested in anything romantically. hmmm....  He also said that he, himself use to be a nice guy and then a girl fucked it up by telling him some shit about himself and now he is the asshole that every female finds out about.

I also spoke with another male friend who says that if I approach the subject right it might do the guy some good to find out what type of vibes he's putting out there. He also mentioned that a guy chooses to be an asshole. I'm tending to side with him :) 

So.. even though I'm hearing the first guy friend, I don't buy it. What I'm considering is to have a talk, most likely on the phone.. not sure if I want to hang out with him and then drop some knowledge. But my first impressions of the dude.. is hes a "NICE" guy. I hate to even say that. Sounds so cliche' but he seems like a nice dude and the amount of attention he has to give is lovely. Many women love attention.. I know I do but I've also got a few years of experience under my belt so I know what traits don't really attract me to a man or in this case turn me off.

I call it the yes man.. Now, I don't like to be told no. Of course I like to get my way but I also like to feel that the person I'm dealing with has some say about whats going down, they have their own opinion, wants and desires. For me it needs to be a good balance between wanting to please the next person and keeping your own wants, desires and needs in perspective.  Maybe the desire is just to get in them jeans but I also like a man with at least a bit of an aggressive streak in him. So going the whatever you want to do route won't work unless you possess to a lot of the other traits I like.

So.. I wont break down everything this dude has done wrong.. I just like confidence, mixed with a good sense of humor, good communication and respect.  There is a difference from being an asshole and cocky to just being confident and sure of what you want. I feel that since this is a younger dude that maybe he needs just a little heads up on what he might be doing wrong or what translates to signs of not being sure of himself and needy. If he were to just reign in a few things he may have a bit more success at when it comes to pulling women, especially an older woman if thats what he thinks he wants. I won't be rude, or a bitch about it I mean I think that it may ultimately help him if he decides to heed some of my advice.

Some words of advice .....

1) You can call them, you can text them but it should not be the first thing you do when you wake up, even if you are thinking of them.  You save that for someone you are seeing on a regular basis and even then for some it might be a bit much. (I personally could handle it, but not this early in the game) Sometimes you are just feeling each other and it works.. but you can almost always feel this kind of chemistry and you don't feel awkward about it.

2) The amount of times you text or call her. Now, if he or she is engaging you in your texting then hey it may not be all bad but if they don't respond. You can't do the back to back thing. Same with calling, if you've called once and you left your message, unless its an emergency you don't call back again and again. Its not healthy for either party.   Shows signs of desperation. Now I know its tough, I can go crazy when someone doesn't respond. Its one of those "bad" traits I have but I try to repress it lol. But look, this is where good communication comes in. If he or she is truly interested in you even if they do get busy (folks do, its life) they will get back to you in a timely manner.  They will most likely offer an explanation if its been a super long time.. people who are interested and have a sense of respect will not just flake and expect to pick up where they left off.  If they do, then they don't respect you. Now if hours and hours go by and you hear nothing and then its the next day and you hear nothing. Maybe this person is either just not that into you or maybe their iron is in a lot of fires and they aren't willing to give you any more time and it will most likely always be an issue.

3) Compliments..  now both men and women like to get complimented. A lot of guys won't say it but it can make someone feel good. Now a woman or a man who happens to be attractive or has a really charismatic personality may get a tad bit more compliments then the next and maybe they are use to it or expect it. For me.. I personally like to hear compliments but every time we talk I dont want to know that you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Did you hear anything I just said? Do you care to know anything more about me as a person? I mean.. maybe I'm cute, maybe in your eyes the most beautiful but sometimes when things sounds so out there its hard to take you serious and really believe  that you believe, what you are saying. It's just my opinion. But.. I will say a good timed compliment.. can work wonders.. and can make me blush.

4) The reschedule.. now usually if someone decides to cancel a chance to hang out its something to take note of. Things come up, again we are adults but if it happens on a regular basis this person doesn't value your time nor do they take you serious. Now, your response to the cancel, early on will also impact the reschedule lol Don't act like your world is crushed because the date has been canceled. Its okay to express that hey.. I was looking forward to hanging out with you but you move on. You can see about trying to reschedule then and if the person is open to it, then thats a good sign. I personally will only deal with reschedules only a very select amount of times before I will just keep it moving. Only if the communication is on point will this not be a major issue.

These are only a few things I'm thinking of pointing out.. and just in general I think people need to think about. I don't think there is anything wrong with a man being bold, blunt and honest about him being interested and attracted. Also, it depends on what he is looking for out of the situation. Is it a hook up, someone to date or something even more than that. Either case I still think there are some basics folks should follow. Unless there is instant chemistry someone who is completely needy and clingy usually won't go over well. At least for me...  the way I look at it, if I like spending time with someone then hey.. you never know. Some folks grow on you. But.. don't lay all your cards out on the table until you have some sense of what you are dealing with.





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