1:34 PM

So.. I'm thinking of relocating out of the Bay area.. here we go!

So in the midst of all of the craziness and disappointments and emotional roller coasters I've been on and dealing with... I've seriously been thinking about really relocating.  Not just to another city 20 minutes away.. but out of good ol California.

I'm not sure where this feeling is going to take me.. I mean when I decided to move from my hometown of Sacramento it took a good 3-5 years of me talking about it to me actually taking the risk and doing it.  Its too bad because I really do enjoy the bay.. I feel that there is a lot it has to offer in term of socially night life, employment and creative opportunities,  artistic experiences and the view is pretty damn nice.

I mean.. not that its that marvelous but I do work in San Francisco and if I wanted to I could go look out onto the beautiful bay every single day just about.  I mean people travel from all over the world to be right here where I work and can play.  So whats the deal?

::sigh:: My experiences ... a good friend told me the other day that I live a pretty interesting life.  Aside from the drama part of it.  I guess I really didn't stop to think about it that way.  They also told me that they have used me as an example to show other people that sometimes you can take a risk, like (moving to another city even though you don't have a job & make it) thats what I did.

Its an interesting story... started with an offer to work at Google through a temp agency. Me being in the IT field and working for Apple.. where does one go?  So I took the risk, commuting an insane 240 miles a day, round trip,  for a couple of weeks driving to one city and busing it the rest of the way, then I stayed with a friend until I finally decided to make the move to the east bay which I knew absolutely nothing about aside from the horror stories of Oakland and side shows that you heard on the news.

Well lets just say the day after I finally decided to find a new apartment in the bay, I get an EMAIL.. not even a call but an email letting me know my assignment had been terminated.  Man.. there went all my free meals and smoothie drinks for those of you who know anything about the Google environment.  It was completely a surprise to me.. I had been there about a month...

So.. what does a girl do.. No longer working at Apple and now unemployed.. well I actually got approved for the apartment I had applied to over that weekend.. I guess the background check that property management company wasn't very thorough.. So, after some inner searching and serous thought.. I sold some Apple stock and I moved. Not far.. but about 100 miles from my home town to a new place up in some hills where I could see pretty lights and feel a sense of liberty and accomplishment even if it was a direct step into limbo and uncertainty. I did it.. I moved..

And it worked out.. I found a job within weeks.. unfortunately the ex followed me.. and that has been a major upset in my brilliant plan for rebirth and exploration.  What followed is worthy of a book.. and maybe one day I will have learned from all of these experiences and can help others not fall into a never ending situation of miss-named  love and feelings of hopefulness.  I ended up having to become a fighter physically and mentally.  I didn't want to abandon my new adventure because some man came in and was trying to take advantage and ruin it all for me. I really have been confused when it comes the whole dynamic of the situation.  I loved him.. but wanted him gone..  but I wanted it to work too.  I wanted him to wake up.. and realize what he had in front of him.  I would get snippets from his mind when he decided to share and show signs of sincerity and clarity.. which would paint my mind with possibilities of a recovery.  Of something that resembled what I really wanted of him..

Man.. To be an enabler and a fighter at the same time.  Not wanting to be taken advantage of and pushed out of my own space but at the same time being so stubborn that I wouldn't run away like others thought I should have.

Well.. its been 4 years or so.. that I've been in the bay.. aside from the relationship off the hook drama.. My homes..not home but homes.. have been burglarized.. once me knowing who.. and the latter by strangers...I was robbed at gun point with my ex at a gas station and my cars have been broken into.. but I still don't hate it..  and like I started to mention before.. there is so much I want to do and experience out here.  You know meet that group of people who go out and do things.. enjoy the culture and diversity that the bay has to offer.  Cafe's, museums, art, music, dancing, water and more and I love to be around people with an entrepreneurial mindset.... but after fighting.. and having so many negative memories in most parts of the East Bay.. I just am having a hard time picturing it turning around to the point that my experiences are not tainted by my past dealings here. No kids.. and no real commitments.. why stay?

Maybe its a mind over matter type of scenario.. but I feel pressure.. and I don't want to let that "Pressure" depress me both physically and mentally.

So.. I've thought about southern Cali.. and even though I may be able to go out there.. and get lost in the millions of people it might not be the right pace for me. I'm not sure.. though I might be able to make my graphic design venture work for me out that way.  But my ex is originally from out that way..hell My ex's lol and ya know.. even though I'm beginning to think based of my last couple of experiences with the most recent ex.. that I may no longer have to worry myself with or devote energy to that situation any longer as he is out of the local area and has a new chick to divert his energies towards.. it might not be all bad.  But he has relatives out there.. so I don't know.. southern Cali may be another possibility.

But I've been researching..  I'll be sure to let you know what I find.. gosh I feel like cracking my neck right now.. :) give me strength.. I sure need it.. takes a lot to stay resilient 

Man.. this sure does make my back and neck stiff thinking about all of this.. I need to relax.. right now I feel like I don't have a plan.  I'm not comfortable in my own home.. and feel like I may be imposing on the few offering help. I just don't want anyone to ever feel that I'm un-grateful and that I'm taking advantage and I've dealt with those feelings on the receiving end for far too long and can't stand it.  So.. I feel really uncomfortable right now.. I have no plan.. and as unorganized as I may be in other aspects of my life..  when it comes to my the safety of having my own place and knowing I have someone to stay and that being actually compromised.. it leaves me feeling really uncomfortable and I have to fix it somehow.  In the past I've just hoped it would work itself out.. and stood strong.   Even though I feel like this might actually be the end..  that uneasiness that someone might break into my house.. or show up talking about how much they love me and how beautiful and smart I am.. all the while they are taking from me...


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