3:58 PM

I wanted to make it hurt..

You know the whole relationship, drama talk really took me off the blog scene a couple of years ago.  At first I thought it was doing me some good to get some of this pent up frustration, emotions and thoughts out.  Just release some of this pressure that was building up on a day to day.  I took a break.. but the drama didn't.  Its a long long long story.. that some of you know.. others may have no idea and for those of you who come hmmmm... researching (smirk) from time to time.. you get to find out the scoop and put together some puzzle pieces.

I still don't feel like I can just tell it like it is.. because its too much for some folks to handle and for others. . .. maybe they are just tired hearing it but then again they don't have to read.  Yesterday for me started out just fine.  Got up at a decent hour on a Saturday, headed out to have a fun day at a water park with a couple of friends.  We were taking it way back.. I soaked up some well deserved sun action and had a pretty fun time while doing it.  All except for the one moment when one of the ladies used me a drowning post.. you know, when they frantically grab and pull you down into the 8ft water like you are not 5'3".  It was all good though.. we got her to safety and we enjoyed the rest of our day topped off with a way too huge lunch at claim jumpers.  Okay.. so I made my way back on home.. my new home. The home that doesn't yet resemble a organized and decorated home.  I was picked up by what I've called my boyfriend.. my Ex..my dude.. yeah.  Immediately we started off on the wrong foot.  I was upset that in spite of me calling him a good 45 minutes before I needed to be picked up he was about 15-20 minutes late.

The car smelled of a sent that could have been cleaner but in my brain its associated with something thats pretty controversial.  That was the story.. that he had to clean up some dog throw up and that's why he was late.  Yeah I know.. he recently brought home this dog that only god knows where he got her from.  Shes completely adorable but I'm not suppose to have pets and well.. every dog he has brought home has never stayed.  It usually will result in me going to work and never seeing the dog again.  It gets pretty sad and honestly I am not up to the energy drain of dealing with another pet disappearing on me.

This man.. the one who says he loves me and that we are all ready married and that no matter what we will always be in each others lives.  That guy.. yeah well we argue just about everyday.  A lot of my gripes are similar to before.  The lying, stealing (he calls it liberating), sloppiness and mutual disrespect is tired and should be over with by now.  But no.. I've been upset that he wouldn't leave.  That's a long story too.. but he was suppose to move when I moved.  Here it's been damn near a month and he was no closer too moving out as I was to having my place completely unpacked.  Truth be told.. deep down I don't think I wanted him to move out.  Hell, its the reason I didn't go ballistic when he first didn't leave after the first 3 days he was coming to "visit" before he was to move 500 miles away, that never happened.  Yeah.. I wanted for things to be better.  I mean it had initially been approximately a year since he had been to my place.  The my house was burglarized.. and so on and so forth.. whats done is done..

During that time I still kept in touch.  Not on the most regular or traditional sense of ways but we saw each other.  The very few people that I even paid any attention too never seemed serious about anything so hey why not give "crazy love" a try again.  Boy.. was I disappointed.  Drama.. drama.. drama.. NO MORE drama dammit.  From fighting, to lies, the locked phone, hell the PHONE..  I mean.. let me touch the phone it would be like an immediate WWF match.  I mean come on.. all things can't be innocent and normal when you will will to damn near body slam ya girl if she happen to pick your phone up if it fell.  Luckily I can hold my own in a lil wrestling match.

But without going into too much detail about all of the wrong doings and flat out messed up shit that has happened to me over the last few months.. I'll spare some of the gruesome details and move back on to this last week.  Just a few days before yesterday,  I had did a phone move (trying to grab the phone thats laying there) it would be like a game sometimes.  He'd really enjoy it in a sick way.. like playing cat and mouse.. hmm putting the phone just outta my reach while I either was knocking it out of his hands.. or trying to grab/reach for it while he would sometimes.. not all the time (cause ya girl got ninja phone batting skills lol) keep it away from me.  Till finally I just gave up.. and he laughs and I just shake it off and chuck it up to him being a lying asshole yet again..  so yeah a few days ago he calls himself trying to half show me his text messages..He shows me like 2 from his boy and then trys to skip over some others.  Well I recognized the area code from Nevada and knew he had been texting with this chick he use to be with back in the day.  We've had many of arguments about her the reasons he's even in contact.  He claims she stalks him.. I like dude.. shes had just about every phone number you've had in the last 3 years which is probably around 5 or 6 so.. come on now.  None the less.. that ended badly.. me pissed and just wanted him to shape up or ship the fu*k out.

So its last night.. and after he picks me up late, I have to get upset for him to even take me to this place so I can buy this little tea drink I like in my own car.. him arguing with me in the car and pulling me by my jacket so I wouldn't get out of the car.  To things be just fine once I got my drink.  To dropping me off.. and like "normal" for him.. as he has somewhere he needs to be or has to go yet again in my car.  The same car that he keeps all day to run the damn streets in.  So, I'm not happy about him dropping me off and leaving but whatever.

So.. he guess what.. He left me a gift.  His precious phone.. right there on my bed.. and unlocked for all of the world to see.  The world being my eyes.. and I immediately took a look knowing that all respect for space and privacy had been violated and used up a long long time ago. This is why this is gotta be an all bad story.. What did I find.. oh. .. Back and forth message from a few women.. yeah not one.. not even two.. but at least three considering one of the contacts wasn't named but the messages were flirtatious.  Guess what.. this fool was making plans to see one of the chicks that night. You got me all kinds-a-fucked-up on that one.  In my car.. to go see some other bitch.  ::EXHALE:: even just telling this story.  So, I read the inbox, the sent messages.. and took down a couple of numbers.  I call the girl who he was to meet that night. . . . in the middle of the convo here he pops in all frantically knowing that he has left his phone.  He comes in and says something.. cause I couldn't even tell ya.

I say something in regards to the numbers and messages I've found.. mean while I'm on the phone.. and he's like who are you talking to? Then goes for the phone.. needless to say the phone was no longer functional by the time he got it from me.  Do you know.. that niggah broke for the door like he was sprinting in a race.  He was going for my car so he could leave.. whats the logic.  He says I go apeshit.. I dont know what you'd call it.  I followed him.. and it turned into a hot ghetto mess scene outside. Me trying to stop him from driving away in my car.. him not really caring.  A neighbor coming outside and ultimately the police were called by someone.  By the time the police came we had somewhat calmed down.  I had managed to snatch my keys from him and basically was demanding he pack his shit right then as anything that is left will not be left in my house for much longer and would be considered a donation.

This process took a while.. as he is slick.. was trying to say he didn't want none of his shit..  and as always wants to leave some shit or find some way to come back around.  I love this asshole.. wtf is wrong with me.  I feel something similar to hatred for him too.  I've been hurt sooooo many times.   And he wouldn't leave.. he'd lie.. cheat in whatever way he was.. cause I dont know the specifics other than what ol' girl was saying.  All the while he'd want to stay.. wouldn't leave.  I would have the nerve to tell me that he loves me.

I'd say about 2 to 2 1/2 hours pass from the incident.  He finally has packed some but not nearly as much as I wanted to see stuff and has it in the car and it asking for a ride.  I end up taking him and dropping him off at this random house.  We'd been to the area a few times before but I'd never been inside the house.  The departing talk was.. drama filled in a soap opera type of way.  Me crying silently staring out the window.. he repeatedly demanding I look at him why  he proclaimed his everlasting love and explanations from this and that.  He had admitted to the girls numbers.. like I couldn't see the shit cause yes.. he really did pretend like he didn't know what I could have been tripping on earlier that night.  He reminded me how I wouldn't find anyone like him ever in my lifetime nor could I buy it.. and I agree.  He's unique.. and I love a lot of that uniqueness and will miss it too but.. I have to keep reminding myself that "I can't do this" and as he jokes.. whenever I say that.. " I can't want it". He decides to admit to a couple of other things.. and then it starts to get angry again.  He affectionately refers to me by some of his silly lover nick names that I let slide.. he steals a kiss and then leaves.

He did leave me with this.. which is something he's said to me before:

Something you want to try to do when dealing with a break up is to think about all of the happy and good things about the relationship as it helps with the hurting.   I can't be mad at that.. and for me.. it makes me cry to think of the good things as its all the reasons I love him. Its hard.. he says I through things away.   Funny thing about that.. for all that know me I'm damn near a genuine pack rat holding on to just about anything that has a memory attached to it.  So.. no I don't feel like I've been wanting to through away the good.. I've been holding on to that good.. while searching to for the rest of the puzzle.  I told him the other day. . . that in order to grow and learn from your experiences you have to take them and make better choices and not repeat the same mistakes.  Is it finally over.. ? the terror of even typing that.

We all deserve better.. he asked me if I think he can do right.. can he change his life around and his wayward ways of living.  I told him. . .. Yes.. but ONLY if you want to..

I want to be better.. I really do.. in my life decisions, my health and future..


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