4:03 AM

Expression... the good, the bad.. and the ugly

So.. its been a while.  I've supplemented my blogs for several live sessions on Blogtv.com.  There is something about talking about my life, my ideas and my thought process with complete strangers who over time become regulars in this online show aka my life.  It's helped.... whether its kept me busy, somehow giving me a sense of not being alone.  I remember being in a room and someone told me about a girl on Blogtv.com who would sleep with the camera on her.  They thought it was odd.. but at the same time they thought maybe she didn't want to be alone when she slept.  I'm not there.. and don't think I ever will be, but I can understand.

So, many folks know by now that my home was burglarized over a week ago.  I came home to find my door wide open, my place ransacked and most of my valuables gone.  To even put a cherry on top they took the 2 liter of pepsi, flat pepsi out of my fridge and had it casually placed on my coffee table in my living room.  Really though?  Was not knocking over my coffee pot to the floor or  moving my king size bed around in my bedroom not enough.


So I've been left to feel uneasy.. thankfully a male friend of mine came around for about a week until I finally realized that, that solution wasn't one at all.. and honestly I can only take so much company before I totally start to feel my personal space evaporating.  Its hard to spend lots of time when there isn't much to talk about.  Lord knows I can talk forever and a day so yeah..But the fact is I'm uneasy.... my electronics are damn near all gone.. and I'm left here alone.  I've been trying to get some sort of support or security out of my land lord who lives in the house in front but the most he seems willing to offer is half of a $500 dollar security system install fee.. and tacking on the $45 dollar monthly service fee onto my rent which is high as it is.  Considering I'm making over $12k less a year now.. this is not a viable option much less even paying the amount I'm currently paying.  No matter how "cute" I think my place is... its not like I "entertain"or have company over alot.. its really just me.

I'm apprehensive about moving.. coming out of being unemployed for about 5 months my financial situation is not even stable and I don't want to be locked into a lease anywhere.  Even though I like the Bay area.. I have this underlying sense of uneasiness.  Not everything has been bad.. but I've been through some major shit since I've moved out this way.  I don't even really know how long its been.. maybe 2 1/2 years, I really loose track of time.  I'm pretty much single.. and not married to any particular job or cause out this way. So here I'm not sure of my new job, my living situation and even my future here in the Bay area.  I'm not even sure where I should or could go or want to go.  I've thought about southern Cali.. but there are some issues with that direction too!

In addition to this.. my ex it resurfacing.. not in a major way.. but its enough to stir some emotion and have me think about some things.  As much as rational conversations can confuse the shit out of me.. my instincts are telling me to keep my distance.  As ridiculous as it may sound to some folks I still love him.. but I can't allow for myself to be ... hmm.. to be involved in something I have no business being involved in. .. . this also goes for guys who aren't interested in really getting to know me.  I need to work though some things.. the drama hasn't stopped there.. my mother also tried to take her life.. which is a whole other story.. chapter in the book I have in my head.. called my life.. she made it.. she was lucky.. but she spent over a week in the hospital and 3 of those days was in intensive care... I haven't even sat down and gave it all a good cry.. sure I've shed a tear  or two.. but I haven't really processed it all.. but then again maybe I have.. part of me growing up is realizing that life does move on.. and even though my belongings were stolen for a 2nd time since I've lived in the bay, or that  my mother survived yet another suicide attempt or that there are very few people in my life that I can trust.. or men in my life.. that are sincere when it comes to their motivation to get closer to me.. its my ability to continue on.. which reminds me of my resiliency.

How many chances do you give people.. when do you move on.. when does a cause no longer justify the effort you exert trying to make it all come together... My lil sister posted on her Facebook.. the question, "Do you really believe in fate?" I didn't really have an answer so I didn't respond.. sometimes I do.. and sometimes I don't..  lately the thought of moving on.. brings about more emotion than the thought of hanging on.. I guess I love hard..

Bottom lines here.. are taking care of myself.. at times I feel alone.. but thats a selfish thought.. my ex has said.. that we aren't here in this world for ourselves. . . . it makes sense.. I can't stop my mother from her destructive behavior.. or make my ex live a productive life that includes me.. or convince my sister that she should keep in better touch with me.. or that the guys who try to get any of my time to spend some time exploring who I am.. and the list can go on and on..  I'm just in the process of trying to figure out how to balance all the shit that has been going on.. with progression.. and not regression .. I will admit that I'm not sure.. my mind is always going.. and I dont think thats something. I can ever.. or will ever want to change..


"Express yourself, you gotta be you and only you, babe


Express yourself, and let me be me

Express yourself, don't tell me what I cannot do, baby"
Expression Salt N Pepa :)

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