5:38 PM

Holidays.. family and feelings..

Its easy to loose sight of the things one has during the holidays.  Some folks are blessed with not even having to ride out that roller coaster of emotions.  They don't have to hit the lows and figure ways to bring them back up to the here and now.  So.. with that being said.. I'm happy to report that I'm not hitting any serious lows.  I'm sad.. feeling a little lonely.. but overall I'm okay.

I started out this Thanksgiving holiday with trying to motivate myself to make my way down to my home town so that I can see my mother and hopefully be able to visit my brother who is incarcerated.  I even decided to get into the spirit by baking some homemade desserts.  I really do like to cook but its hard to inspire yourself to cook when you live alone and don't have too many folks to entertain.

So, its the day before and I've made a Sour Cream Pumpkin bundt cake with a streusel center and was ready to make my way the 100 or so miles pretty soon.  I was going to make another dessert but I thought I'd check in on my mother just to see how things were progressing.  Well, I call and find out that Thanks giving is going to be held at my mothers, boyfriends brother's house.  Ummmmm.. Yeah.. sooooo.. that just about stopped me in my tracks.  Well, it definitely has slowed me down.  I'm trying to talk myself into just going so that I'm not here alone sulking about the fact that I don't really have a group of folks to congregate with to enjoy the festivities.  Plus, I know this is not just about me.. but my mother would like to see at least one of her babies show up. 

The reason that going to her boyfriends brothers house is even a problem is that we don't get along.  Many years ago I decided I would help him out, just because he was my mothers boyfriends brother and that reason alone.  I usually keep two cars and had this little Saturn that I wasn't driving that had been overheating.  I ended up selling it to him for next to nothing and even let him take it while only paying me super low payments.  This was a good ass hook up for him.  (Oh!  I've learned my lesson too.. ) Well do you know this person not only quit paying me, but ended up abandoning the car racking up tickets and eventually a towing bill from the city.  I ended up getting stiffed with this over $1000 bill on top of not getting the money for the car itself.  He never apologized  to me.. and quite a few years ago I ended up going off on him one day when he happened to come by my mothers house.  If I could have fought this grown ass man I probably would have but that wasn't a reality or even acceptable.  I can get feisty though, usually its when I think I'm being taken advantage of.

Basically, this all makes for a very awkward situation whenever we are in each others presence which is not often.  Usually, if he is at my moms and I show up he will leave or vice-versa. This man has to be in his 40's or even early 50's.  As much as I love my mother, holidays around the family are usually drama filled and each year becomes more sparse.  I recall one holiday where my uncle got into a fight with my moms boyfriend and ended up stabbing him.  I missed that fight, I think I picked up my plate and drove on off.  They have reconciled which is what family normally can do.. but who knows where my uncle is these days.  Its crazy to me how I can have 5 siblings and the holidays look like this.  My mother doesn't even know where my other sister is at as she is halfway living on the streets.  She's in her late 30's or maybe early 40's .. I don't even know..I must be getting old.  I'm not in contact with other little sister as our relationships is quite strained, haven't heard from my niece since I sent her money via Money Graham and my other sister is halfway across the United States.  My older brother I have no idea where he is as I've only met him a few times in my life.. So this trip would pretty much be to see my mom.

I was checking the web to see if my brother has any visits left and it looks like he might not have any for this week.  So, thats a bummer.  Interestingly enough I did get a call yesterday from a correctional facility that I think may have been where my bro is at.  Unfortunately, instead of hearing the name of who was calling I heard obscenities in its place. I think it was some name calling going on.  ::Exhale:: Yeah.. now I don't know for sure if it was my bro and honestly I can only guess as to why I would get that call but considering his life long circumstances I can work on understanding.  Its fucked up.. but understandable.  Sooooo...  that would have been another awkward meeting that I may still end up subjecting myself too in the name of family.

Yeah.. I don't feel like doing much of anything other than maybe taking my ass back to sleep.  But! I did get another call from my mom encouraging me to come down and saying that they will cook at her house.  I tried to talk her out of that and encourage them to just enjoy someone else cooking for thanks giving and said that I will come.

So.. I have a feeling I won't make it there till maybe 10 or 11pm tonight but I'm going to try to come.  I think I'm going to write a letter or two to some loved ones..

So.. bottom line.. if thanks giving is your thing or not..  be thankful what you do have.. I'm a bit jaded when it comes to Happy Holidays.. or Happy Birthdays.. or family get together anything.. so I'll adjust and try to make it work.   I know that its something that I hope to be able to really enjoy one day.. whether its with my own family, friends which for lots of folks especially in a location like the Bay is their family or.. maybe I'll have made my own family one day.  Or maybe I'll end up in this healthy relationship and inherit a family lol.. but for now... I'm going to work with what I got.. and go see the moms..

Everyone be safe.. and spread the love..

Msmixedcutie aka
Sweet P :)



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